The Broken Medi-Gun
by Herr Doktor
Summary: The medic's medi-gun is broken...Why? What will the medic do when reds come knocking on his door?


The medic was getting irritated. His job as medic was collapsing all around him. How can a medic do his job when he can't heal? Employers only pay you when you do something valuable.

_They underpay you too,_ the medic thought darkly.

Sighing, the medic looked at his patient. The soldier had burst in, screaming bloody murder and bleeding from a dozen wounds, and asking why the medic wasn't out there helping. The medic had been dismantling his malfunctioning medi-gun. There was the problem. His medi-gun was broken. He'd replaced virtually every part, save for a few recently acquired pieces, and the device remained broken.

He'd literally torn it to pieces and examined each part. All that happened when he activated the healing rays was a strange flicker and strange clanking noise. The odd thing was, is that it worked for about thirty seconds upon activation, but afterwards degenerated into the broken state.

Now the anesthetized soldier lay on the surgical table and was covered in stitches. Grunting in annoyance, the medic went over to the mangled man. There was a violent explosion outside, shaking the medic's lab.

"Gah! Vhat now?!" the medic hissed. He strode rapidly over to the door, his boots making clanking noises on the plated metal floor. Throwing wide the door, he looked out into total devastation.

Most of his teammates lay strewn about on the ground, and a wall of advancing reds loomed over the ridge. The only ones standing were a battered sniper and an engineer.

The engineer looked fearfully at the reds, and he looked pleadingly at the medic. His secondary stage turret vibrated as the ground shook under pounding feet.

"Dummkopfs! Get out of the way!" the medic yelled at the engineer. He walked past the turret and looked at the reds. How was he going to turn back that massive wave? He fingered his syringe gun and looked at the sniper, who drew his SMG. The medic drew a bunch of pills and small medical packs. Handing them out, he examined the enemy.

Running towards them were some slightly injured mass of men. A heavy, followed closely by the red medic (the blue medic's eyes twitched.), a soldier, and everything but spy and soldier. The jogging scout collided with something which he snapped at.

"Oh, so there is a bloody spy. God damn it," the sniper murmured. "Good! FANTASTIC!"

"Shut up," the medic murmured. He bent down to look over his unconscious teammates. There was no reviving them. He held up his syringe gun, checking that it was full. This was going to be a painful battle. He was fairly certain he could take them down, because he had a bunch of grenades he'd plucked from the soldier.

Roars floated over to the blue team. The sniper's grip tightened on his rifle. The engineer was chewing something that no doubt the medic would have disapproved of. The hard-hatted man gave a few solid whacks to his sentry. Magically, it grew another stage. The device turned back and forth slowly.

The medic was going to go into this battle without a medi-gun. How FUN!

"This is gonna be one mean battle," the engineer grunted. More shouting nearly smothered his voice.

"Yep…" the sniper murmured. He raised his sniper rifle. "One..two…eight heads…."

The medic didn't feel like talking. He twisted his syringe gun barrel slowly. *click* *click* *click*

The red soldier began his rocketfire. Projectiles streaked by, glowing with small, bright particles. The scout was already nearly upon the engineer, who was hidden with the sniper behind a rocky cropping. The turret tore the scout to pieces, though now the center of attention was the medic. He stood, apparently alone, in front of the oncoming reds. This strange appearance caused the reds to pause uncertainly.

Blue medic locked eyes with the red medic. The red medic lowered his medi-gun and smirked. Then, he called out, "No medi-gun, comarahde?!"

Blue medic winced. Nothing had gone wrong with red's device. He held up his syringe gun, praying that the fistful of grenades in his other hand would be useful. He also prayed that his teammates would be of some help. Eyeing the reds, he saw them charge forward, guns ablaze.

The blue medic ducked behind the rock, and the engineer's turret blazed with gunfire. A group of missiles slammed into the first head around the corner: the soldier's.

The soldier exploded, and blood splattered against the blue medic's face. He fumbled with the grenades, trying to remove the safety pin, when he heard a yell. The sniper had leaned out to aim and been sniped himself.

_Idiot!_ the medic thought. Now he was going to rely on the grenades. Hopefully the engineer didn't get himself ki-

"Gah!" the engineer toppled backwards, on fire. The fragments of a flare lay on the ground. The medic shoved him towards the dispenser, which rapidly healed him. The flames died down and the engineer looked fearfully about.

The reds now rounded the corner and all hell broke lose.

Blue medic stood back to back with the engineer, shooting, slicing, and cutting. The sentry pounded mercilessly at the reds, and missiles flew all over. The medic saw a grenade shoot towards him. He ducked, and it soared over his head to land directly on the dispenser, blowing up and launching metal fragments all over. A sharp piece buried its head in the medic's shoulder.

Wincing, he yanked it at and threw it in the demoman's face.

"Hyaaaah!"

A bullet whizzed past the medic and hit the engineer. The worker grimaced and pulled out his pistol. He planted it in the red medic's face and fired, blowing out his brains, quite literally.

The blue medic kicked away a baseball bat that swung at him. Great, there were two scouts. He hacked with his bonesaw and sliced off the brat's head. The red sniper rounded the corner, narrowly avoiding the sentry, and hurled a jar of…yugh….

"Feh…jarate!" the medic hissed. The vile 'liquid' would have caused most doctors to worry about hygiene and bacterial things, but the medic was thinking morea long the lines of, _This'll never wash out of my lab coat._

At that moment, the sentry blasted a series of bullets, which collided with the sniper's chest. The man's eyes widened in surprise, and he fell over, blood leaking from his chest.

"Get back!" the medic screamed to the engineer.

"Why?" the engineer shouted back. "My turret's still here!"

"Pack it up and move then, Shweinhund!" the medic roared back. He slid the safety pins out of the grenades as the engineer hurried back to the lab doors with his turret packed up.

The medic leapt out and hurled the grenades, and then he turned and ran for his life back to his lab. The doors slid open, and the two blue team members dashed inside, chests heaving and gasping for breath.

There were several large explosions, followed by screams of pain. The doors shook violently, as the cluster of hurled grenades imploded, blowing explosive material all over. The medic heard the sick splattering of flesh against the lab doors. He smiled slightly. At least he'd be able to conduct his experiments with charred flesh. He'd been experimenting with a chemical that might enhance damage dealt to burning targets. Now he'd have plenty of…test materials.

At last he stood and punched in a code to the device on the door. With a hissing noise, the gates slid open. The medic looked out…into a minigun's barrel.

He froze, staring into the dark device. The red medic stood behind the heavy with a blank look. _Isn't he supposed to be dead?!_ The medic thought frantically.

The heavy grinned. He backed a couple of feet away, and was about to fire when….

_SHNK! CHNK!_

"GAAAUUURRGggGhhhhhhh…."

The heavy keeled over, and the red medic stood with a bloody knife in hand. Slowly, a dense, white mist surrounded the medic, and a moment later, there stood the blue spy.

"Gentleman," the spy murmured, his signature opening statement.

"I saw your corpse!" the medic hissed. Indeed he had. Earlier, he'd seen the battered, bullet holed body.

The spy grinned and held up a round, golden device….

"…how irritating you are…." The medic sighed. Dead wringer, of course. The little golden watch was usually ignored, since the blue spy preferred the cloak and dagger, seeing as that one permitted nigh upon infinite cloak.

"Well, get out there and fix up our comrades, doctor!" the spy chuckled.

Shooting the Frenchman an acid glare, the medic rushed out and began gathering his teammates and sewing up wounds. He sighed. This was going to be a long week.

2 WEEKS LATER:

The medic wanted to hit something, badly. Anyone who came across him at the moment would likely face a wrath they'd never seen before. He always had dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes now, on account of staying up late to examine the medi-gun. In two weeks, he had made no progress whatsoever, and this was not just discouraging, it was INFURIATING!

The rest of the blue team had been taking it easy, relaxing, and waiting for their doctor to fix up his device. He snapped out at anyone who inquired on its status though. Broken devices aren't fixed by conversation.

Standing up from his disassembled medi-gun, the medic went over to talk with his teammates, hopefully he could get some clues, maybe from the engineer. He saw the scout chewing bubblegum. Going over, he decided to question him.

"Hey…scout…? Have you, ah, seen anyone around my medi-gun of late? As you know, it's broken…and I'm wondering if you saw anything?"

"Nope, sorry doc!" the scout yapped. "I took a peek into your lab a few weeks ago, but that's it!"

The medic froze. "Took a _peek?_"

"Yep. Just had a poke around, look at your little sharp doodads. That sorta stuff. Why? Somethin' wrong?"

"Er…did you see anyone in the lab? And how the hell did you get inside in the first place?"

"Ya left the door open, doc! There was nobody in, not even you!" the scout quipped. He sipped some soda. "I didn't touch nothin'! Cept' maybe that barrel thingy."

Slowly, the medic asked, "'barrel thingy', you say?"

"Oh yeah! I put my gum on it. Why?"

The medic had already tore away in a rush, his lab coat flying out behind him. He bent down and looked carefully at the stripped apart medi-gun. There! On one of the power rods, a blob of pink mush, lodged in the chord, crushing it and cutting off the power to the rest of the system. Prying it out with a scalpel and inserting a new one, he watched as the device thrummed back to life.

Meanwhile, the scout wandered over to the medic and looked over his shoulder.

"Cool! Ya' fixed it!" he said. Then he noticed the medic wore a blank, brooding look on his face. "Something wrong, doc?"

"…."

"Doc? Hello?"

"…."

"Doc? Doc!"

"…."

"You're creeping me out, man! Say something!"

"…I AM GOING TO TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES!"

"Hey wait you don't need your bonesaw, just stay calm, man, stay ca-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away! AAAAHHH!"

A.N.

My apologies for my short and concise stories. I haven't felt like writing longer ones, though if someone throws me a suggestion, I'll take it. My stories will probably revolve around LoZ, Starcraft, TF2…etc. By the way, this story has a morale. Don't bother the doctor. ;)


End file.
